Book - ache

Do you ever get soo emotionally invested in a book you would rather read than be at a party? That you feel like the plot line is actually happening to you? Your gut clenches, you actually cry, you're head hurts and you're just as confused as the characters?  Yeah, me neither.  (That's a lie.)

I just read this book, Stealing Harper, it was on someone's pinterest and I read the synopsis and it was right up my alley, bad boy, good girl, love triangle, tattoos, etc... everything I love in a book.  What I didn't expect is my stomach to be in knots, tears to be flowing down my face and losing sleep over everything, but that's exactly what happened.  Apparently this is a follow up book to the first one, called "Taking Chances."  I had no idea and I probably should've read that first, but I didn't.  So instead, I found myself scouring blogs to find out if there was a sequel to Stealing Harper, if I would ever know what happened.  If they cliff hanger I was left on would ever be resolved.  Well, I finally found out that that was the sequel, that I had read them out of order.  So I downloaded the first one (yes, downloaded, sorry all you true blue paperback lovers) and I skipped through to the part where my book ended, you see, they were told from 2 different points of view.  The one I had read was from the point of view of the Bad Boy, which I loved, and probably why it was soo tormented.  But the first one was from the point of view of the good girl.  And so, it continues past the cliff hanger.

***SPOILER ALERT****

The cliff hanger; you don't know if Chase, the 'bad boy' lives or dies, and  you want him to live because he never seems to catch a break and everything is messed up and you want him to have his chance at a happy ending, even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it, he does.  So, I went back and read Taking Chances, at least the part that would coincide with the crash, and finding out if Chase dies or not.  And he DOES!  He freakin' DIES!!!.  I can't believe it.  I wanted to throw up.  I fell in love with this character and his story soo hard that it physically affected me.  Forget my emotions, those are shot to hell.  I'm heartbroken over fictional characters that don't exist, how sad is that.  But I was invested and I'm soo disappointed.  I'm so mad that Brandon gets the girl after all that.  I'm so mad that Chase dies, I'm reeling.

It's too close to real life, and I think that's probably why it's such a good book.  But also soo terribly heart breaking.  The ending makes me soo soo sad and I think it's because that's what happens in real life, you don't always get that redeeming ending.  You don't always get to explain yourself and you don't know when life will be over, sometimes it happens in a split second and you don't get a chance to take back all your mistakes or unresolved issues and you have to live with that.  And I think it's that combination that makes this book amazing and terribly sad all that same time.

The kindest words ever said to me.

Sometimes I fear I'm not perceived the way I want to be perceived.  I worry what people think. (come on, I'm only human)  And I take what people say to heart far more often than I should.  So when  a co-worker told me I reminded her of Betty Boop it bothered me, it made me think of a character whose petite and girlie (god forbid).  And it rubbed me the wrong way. And then we were discussing cars and I was asked what my first car was and both girls said, "I could see you in a bug."  I was repulsed at the idea, something so dainty and girlie... so not how I see myself.    

So, a couple weeks later I was talking with that same co-worker, still slightly annoyed at her observations, and so I brought it up and she said something that I thought perfectly described me,
"No, you misunderstood.  You're really versatile. You're the type of girl I could see driving a bug, but just as easily driving a jacked up Hummer."
I loved that description.
She went onto say, "And when I said you reminded me of Betty Boop, remember that she's curvy and petite and wears red lipstick and she's girlie, but she also rocks a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle." She smiled.

So, even though I worried unnecessarily (always).  Her clarification of how she saw me really hit home. It made me feel like she really got me, that I wasn't being perceived in a way that bothered me, that my co-workers actually 'got me.'  And it was the best feeling.

Old ladies with jewels

The subway was packed.  I was sitting in a seat by the door.  This man, tatted from head to toe, wearing bagging jeans, and bumping rap in his head phones was propped up against the metal bar that passed for my 'armrest' hanging on to the pole above my head leaning against the door.  The next stop filled the train and he stood up a little straighter, still holding the pole.  This older woman, mid-sixties got on with her husband.  She looked like she was born with her nose in the air. She had jewels around her neck and gaudy rings on her fingers.  And I noticed the rings when she went to grab the pole and ended up grabbing the younger man's hand.  He was bewildered to say the least.  But she didn't move her hand, even when he tried to yank his back.  I tried to stifle my laughter, but wasn't successful.  He looked down at me, and we exchanged a look of solidarity, basically "this woman is crazy."  The woman had heard me practically snort and she looked at me too, but she didn't get it.  Finally the man wrestled his hand away.  And moved it to another part of the pole a safe distance away from hers. The next stop came and the woman got off with her husband and the man and I shared another look basically "phew."  I laughed again.  My stop was next, and as I stepped off I tapped his bicep and he took off his head phones, and I said "I think she just desperately wanted to hold your hand."  He laughed, "Yeah, I guess."  And I responded, "I mean, come on, did you see her husband?"  We both laughed and I stepped off the train and said, "have a good night."

Subway adventures, always a story.

In with the new and out with the old.

A couple weekends ago I was in Santa Barbara for a wedding.  It was truly a blessing to be able to celebrate the union of one of my dear friends.  She truly deserves all the happiness wedded bliss has to offer and I was so excited to be a part of her big day and to work alongside my favorite team again.  I love those ladies and I could not think of a better way to spend a vacation.  All that being said, it was definitely a time of reflection.  It had been 11 mos since I had been back in Santa Barbara.  11mos away from friends that are still there, from my old team and the beauty of it all.  I, of course have been back to California and several of my friends from SB have been out to New York and I have seen them.  However, this trip I was in SB and I felt a little torn.  I was working, but I also had down time.  Time to fit in coffee dates and late night drinks, but also an unpredictable schedule.  Well, as it goes as soon as I announced on social media I was in town I got loads of texts and responses asking when/if I could see these dear people that were still in town.  Of course I became really excited and felt very loved.  That feeling quickly faded as people flaked out, or decided not to respond all together.  But instead of dwelling on those people, I decided to dwell on the people that were making the time, the ones that wanted to hang out, no matter the time, their words, "whenever you can see us, we want to see you."  Those two people and those words gave me such freedom and made me feel so loved. But a little part of me was still hurt by the others who clearly didn't care that much.

As I've stated before, these past few months have been a time for lots of lessons and learning.  This whole time in New York has been a time of molding and shaping who I am going to be in my 20s.   And so I thought a lot about these friendships.  These people that were once such a big part of my life, now fading into the past chapters.  I have a hard time letting go of things.  I have a hard time living in the present because I hang on to tightly to those in my past and try desperately to plan everything in my future.  So this was another lesson for me and one I'm slowly coming to terms with.  In fact, it was a double lesson, one about friends and guys all at the same time.  I learned it  as I was on the plane ride back, but wasn't fully ready to accept it.

Then, a couple days ago I had a skype date with one of my best girl friends.  She asked about the wedding weekend and how it was and I unintentionally explained the lesson I had learned while I was there.  That I was learning which friendships were going to continue on and which ones I was no longer concerned with keeping.  As well, I told her I had a direct comparison of the type of guy I wanted in my life vs. the type of guys that were in my life.

Her response;
"Well its about time you started trimming friends. You have too many."

I laughed and was taken aback when she said that.  I had never thought of having "too many" friends.  She said it like it was a bad thing, it wasn't how she intended.  I responded with, "I guess you're right."
And she said, "Of course I'm right.  It's too hard to try to keep all the friends you have, and when you put all this work into maintaining friendships with people that aren't reciprocating or for that matter aren't in the same city as you, you have no room to make new friends, let alone maintain friendships in your new city.  So, it's best to let go.  Maintain the friendships you really care about and the ones that really care about you. And let the rest go.  If they want to be a part of your life, they will be.  But if they don't, then it's best not to waste your time."

It was exactly what I needed to hear.  And exactly who I needed to hear it from.  Her and I live countries apart from one another and still manage to talk to one another.  We maintain a friendship and I am so thankful for it. We joke about how we'll be each other's back up plan should we never find that "special someone."  This is a lesson I seem to need to be reminded of, repeatedly and always the hard way.  But it was good to hear it again. And I think I am truly learning to let go of friendships/relationships etc that are bad for me, or just aren't reciprocated in some way and learning to move forward.

You are my sunshine

Monday morning, walk down the subway steps and greeted by a man playing "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey..." And as I sat down on the bench  and started to sing along I realized the women next to me were singing too.  Happy Monday!

Target runs: Throwback to Turkey Day

So, sometimes when I miss home, I trek out to Target, the one in Queens, so I can feel a little bit of home.  I did this a while back and I took a taxi home.  Now these aren't your typical taxis.  These are more of your self run taxis, but you pay before you even get in, so they don't worry me the same way a gypsy cab does.  So I got in, and I wasn't going to talk to the guy, he was a younger guy and it was pretty intent on just driving.  But the silence got to me.  I'm usually content to sitback and wait things out in social settings, but when its just me and one other person and it's completely silent, it freaks me out a bit.  So I started chatting with him. "So how long have you been driving?"  "Oh.. ummm... A little over a year."  "Oh, cool."  "Yeah, I really came here for school."  "Nice, where do you go?"  "Columbia."  I was shocked, but I tried to play it cool.  "That's wonderful."  "Yeah, so I just do this as a way to pay the rent."  "I hear ya."  He then confirmed my address and said he lived a couple blocks away.  So interesting to me. So we continued to talk and he told me that he was writing the thesis for his master program and applying to get a fellowship for his PhD at Columbia.  He continued to explain how he was studying Psychology.  I told him that's what my brother was studying and he asked what his focus was, I said Family and he said that's what he had started out wanting to study, but then became fascinated by sexual studies and psychology.  I said I thought that would be fascinating.  He said, "Yea, it really is, ya know most people hear that and think I'm some sort of pervert or something and that's not it at all why I wanted to study it."  I affirmed him and said that I'm sure it was very interesting to learn about.  He went on to tell me all about his thesis and how the leading thinkers in that field were at Columbia and that's why he was trying so hard to get in.  I told him what I had studied and then we talked about family.  I told him I was from CA, but had family in FL too.  He said he was from FL.  We continued talking more and more, he told me how his family owned two clubs down there and how I had to make it a point to go down there.  We talked about the upcoming holiday, Thanksgiving.  I told him a friend was visiting and he told me that he had saved the money he would've spent on a plane ticket to spend on a TV that he was getting on Black Friday.  We laughed about how that might be the better investment.  He said he also had a lot to get done for his thesis so it was smarter for him to stay in the city.

After he dropped me off, I just thought about how this city is so diverse.  How your cab driver could be a scholar and you wouldn't even know it, because you didn't bother talking to them.  It's incredible to me everyone's life path and how you can learn about it, just by asking a simple question that opens the door.

Singing... in the subway station

As I walked down the platform.  I hear this loud voice overpowering the volume of my earphones.  I pull them out and realize it's a man's voice singing.  Now, this is not an uncommon occurence on the subway platforms or on the subway cars themselves for that matter, but this was different.  This man had no talent and it was the song he was singing that really caught my attention.  He was belting out, "How will I know if he's thinking of me? ...Falling in love is all bittersweet."  I continue down the platform and come to a section in between where there are a ton of construction workers and find the owner of the voice.  He is on a latter, doing something in the ceiling, belting out the lyrics as they play over a mini stereo.  His fellow construction workers are dying of laughter.  I start laughing as do the people around me.  I keep walking  on the other side of the wall and see all these other construction workers standing there laughing too.  They're telling people, "he takes tips ya know."  It was soo comical, basically the best performance I've seen yet.